I'm alive~!

Hey, its been a really long time since I've made a real post. The last post was a poem/song, and the last real post about my life was in 2016. I was 17 years old. It feels like another lifetime because of how much I've changed and how much I've forgotten about that time period. I have been connecting more with my childhood now more than ever. I have vivid memories of ages 2-10 years old. They keep popping up in my head and I can almost feel like I am back to that time when I think about it. They aren't all bad memories, some very good memories of music I liked and movies I watched that I've been revisiting lately. I've been re-watching a lot of movies I liked a long time ago and going through my hard drive full of photos and videos that date all the way back to 2011. Listening to music that I used to love, music that isn't even that good and aren't even in the genre of music i listen to now, but the nostalgia is why I listen to it. I've been researching old websites I used to go on to see if they are still up or if they've come back. Fantage is gone. Toontown is gone but I play Toontown Rewritten. 

I've been thinking about going anonymous on the internet, setting up a vpn and using tor to browse the internet, deleting all old profiles and keeping only facebook, twitter and instagram on my phone. But making my PC completely off the grid. I think that would be cool, but I should probably get a separate PC to do that because I'll have to get a different operating system and I wont be able to use it the same as I use my PC now. I'll probably do that with a laptop or something if I can. I just hate the idea that people can easily spy on my activity and there is little to no privacy on the internet. It's not like I plan to do anything harmful, I just think it'd be cool to have a completely off the grid computer. 

So, I have been in college the past 2 years BUT, since Feburary I basically dropped out. I didn't go to my last couple classes, which were in Feburary, I only went to like one class on the last day for the Final exam but I failed it anyway. I was registered in 3 classes and I passed 2 of them! I think. I kinda forgot. I'm pretty sure though. Maybe I passed only one actually. Anywho i passed english 103 so no more english classes! Which I actually am not excited about. English classes were some of my favorite classes because they were the easiest and I had the most fun in them. I love writing. Did you know I dont use shift to use caps lock? I just press caps lock twice and I have since I first started using computers. So all my life. I didn't know about the shift thing until middle school. And by then I was so used to just using caps lock I didn't wanna use shift. I am a very fast typer. Actually, brb, I'm gonna do a typing test.

the highest speed i got was 76 wpm! with little to no errors hehehe

Not as fast as I would have liked but I think that if i know what im writing like from my head then I can type a lot faster, I had to write without looking at the keyboard because I was reading what to write which led to some pauses and stuff.

Okay I'm done writing for tonight, I'm gonna do something. Resident Evil 4 professional is so annoying.

fear

i try everyday
to find ways to pass the time
but i forget the other way
to make something of my life

stop trying to be good
to avoid the guilt of being bad
just accept your from the hood
and stop acting so damn sad

im depressed cause i cant fight
this fucking war inside my mind
i put on this fake light
and walk foward even though im blind

clouded vision all the time
its only clear when im on my own
but guess what i worked part time
and going to this class i always postpone

as you guessed it i failed this class
and quit the job before i got fired
i missed too many days to pass
and its a miracle i even got hired

i dont know what to say
sometimes i feel happy and motivated
and then something leads me astray
and i fall into the depression that i myself created

theres no one else to blame but me
but if i had to choose someone i know who it'd be
i allowed myself to be put down by many
but that doesn't make me any less angry
at the people who hurt me

i dont know what to say
i dont know what to think
heres me trying to be deep
and hating everything i write

i hate everything about myself
i hate my appearance
my attitude
my personality
hell i hate myself more than i hate donald trump
and i hate him a fucking lot

ive always tried to supress my dark side
maybe thats the reason why i've always been depressed
i couldnt yell out and curse or blow off steam
because id be afraid
of someone bigger than me
someone stronger me
someone much older than me
someone i just couldnt face
even though
they were family...

in a year, ill be 20
panic attacks? they'll be plenty

i cant think of anything im not afraid of
its fear itself that im made of

dont feel bad for me
im doing this to myself
maybe its some kind of self punishment
so just worry about yourself

shadows, fibromialgia, bipolar, and class of 2016(?)

So I haven't updated this site in a few months, almost a year maybe. other than the last post, which i wrote a week ago but i just published it. 
so i missed a whole week of school last week, had extreme menstrual cramps to the point where i almost passed out. it lasted 3 days and on friday i was ready to go to school. i left my house and waited for the elevator and it was taking a long time and i felt as time passed i had more and more aniety about i dont know what. i was shaking and my hands were sweating and i felt extremely irritated and uncomfortable. i suddenly saw someone next to me like i saw their shoes and pants but it was all black and shadowy. i looked and no one was there so i said nope and went back inside. i had anxiety attack and layed on my sofa to try and calm down. i kept feeling like someone was behind me and i continued to see shadows at the corner of my eye all morning and i just felt an evil presence. i kept jerking around and i was very nervous. it wasnt cool at all. so i didn't go to school. i took a nap on my sofa when i put my headphones on. 
for a while ive been thinking i might be bipolar and i was misdiagnosed with adhd. i dont know. i told my therapist and she doesnt think i am depsite all the symptoms i gave her. i forgot to tell my psychiatrist about that, but im over it now. my mom mentioned i might have fibromialgia and i googled the symptoms and i have every.single.one. it would explain everything. i would like to be diagnosed with it because then i can get treatment instead of just being on my stupid anti-depressants that don't work anymore. i feel there is so much more that needs to be treated than just anxiety. oh and theres a question mark next to 2016 because im not sure if im graduating. i mean i am very hopeful and i think i am but my school doesnt. im also failing everything right now so i need to get on that but i cant because i cant concentrate. i guess ill just figure it out soon but i need to see a doctor and a neurologist asap.

trying to overcome my anxiety during class.

 I'm having anxiety because I have work in front of me that I cannot do. Now, doing it is not an option because when I try to concentrate on it I start shaking and getting angry. I rather take a million writing classes than one math class. I cannot comprehend math. It requires my mind to do more concentrating that I am currently capable of. It could be my medication that is keeping me from concentrating, it could be me but I don't think its me because I feel like I am doing everything in my power to try and help myself but I just have to do this and it is very simple just read it and follow the directions on the paper and do- what is it i even have to do? I have to have a topic and then some kind of problem and write an essay about it and geometry fits in their somewhere, that is all I am getting from reading the instructions and I've read them 100 times and I dont know what it is asking me. How is my topic used to solve geometry problems, so how does parallel lines and angles used to solve geometry problems or how is it used in real world applications. So how does parallel lines and angles used in the real world. they are used for architecture i think. I am not even sure how they use that for architecutre exactly. ok, what are parallel lines. parallel lines are two lines that go in the same direction and dont intersect. angles are those little corners of stuff. I don't know how to describe angles. they have degrees. i can only think of it visually not verbally. ok. so then how is that used for architecture. and how do i write a whole essay about it. architecture is way more complicated than just lines and agles. maybe i should use a different real world problem. i cannot think of anything that can use this. I don't know any of the other topics so this is the only topic i can use. so examples...no clue. i hate this sicenrely. I dont want to do this, but I have to do this because if i dont then i wont graduate.

i spent a week in the loony bin

i dont really care who reads this. i dont care if it might be personal. i dont care. this is my online diary, no i dont put all my personal stuff, you wouldn't know if you dont know me, this is where i put stuff out to the world and see if anyone wants to give me advice or if someone just wants to follow the life of a depressed 16 year old girl.

i had the worst week of my life, last week.
I was suicidal and i was sent to the hospital. i spent 6 DAYS in the hospital. i thought i was never going to get out. i didnt know when I could leave, they told me when i was leaving the day before i left. so i spent everyday wondering if im ever going to have freedom again. it is prison. i experienced prison. they didnt let me have anything and there was nothing to do all day. there were other teens and i made friends towards the end of my stay. but now everytime i go into a hospital i get anxiety, because i feel trapped like im never going to get out which was the feeling i had while in the hospital. i never want to go to a hospital again, but i know i have to. i want to avoid it as much as possible. it has scarred me.
im prescribed on zoloft because they diagnosed me clinically depressed, and i have anxiety. so its been helping a lot but i know i need more than just 25g. i suffered from seratonin syndrome on my first week on zoloft. google it. then i stopped it, went to the hospital and while i was there for 6 days they put me back on it, but starting it even lower and slowly working back up to 25. im fine now.im glad i didnt die. lol.
now im in school and im fine. im changing schools so im really happy not to come back to this horrible school next year. i might drop out, if transferring doesnt work out. im excited for that. happy. im a bit too happy right now a little jittery cant stop moving very motivated but thats the zoloft. its great. okay bye

I MET SHONDURAS AND NICHOLAS MEGALIS

if you read my last post, i said i really wanted to meet shonduras and nicholas megalis. that same day i met them!! crazy lol. So i met shaun and nichloas and also emgarber from snapchat. i took pictures with them but on shaun's phone and he said he would send me the pictures but he hasnt :/ its been 3 days lol. whateves i met them! i was in shaun's snapchat story too! fun.

MAJOR update if you care

so major update. i downloaded twitter again, it was a good break and now I am back. i turned off notifcations for celebrities except chris carm, shonduras and jerome. id like to say im not obsessed, but i dont know. when jerome came back to nyc this week i didnt freak out. i expected it. and hes in central park a lot. im going to go find him but im not super stalkerish or obsessive about it. just like to see him. shonduras is also in nyc. really wanna see him. nicholas megalis is also with shonduras, hopefully i can track them down today. i missed nicholas' meetup at barns and noble because i was busy so i really wanna meet him soon. anyway im tired of all this crap. not gonna really try anymore. going to enjoy my day exploring the city, if i find anyone, cool. oh and im not homeless anymore. i moved last week. yay