i spent a week in the loony bin

i dont really care who reads this. i dont care if it might be personal. i dont care. this is my online diary, no i dont put all my personal stuff, you wouldn't know if you dont know me, this is where i put stuff out to the world and see if anyone wants to give me advice or if someone just wants to follow the life of a depressed 16 year old girl.

i had the worst week of my life, last week.
I was suicidal and i was sent to the hospital. i spent 6 DAYS in the hospital. i thought i was never going to get out. i didnt know when I could leave, they told me when i was leaving the day before i left. so i spent everyday wondering if im ever going to have freedom again. it is prison. i experienced prison. they didnt let me have anything and there was nothing to do all day. there were other teens and i made friends towards the end of my stay. but now everytime i go into a hospital i get anxiety, because i feel trapped like im never going to get out which was the feeling i had while in the hospital. i never want to go to a hospital again, but i know i have to. i want to avoid it as much as possible. it has scarred me.
im prescribed on zoloft because they diagnosed me clinically depressed, and i have anxiety. so its been helping a lot but i know i need more than just 25g. i suffered from seratonin syndrome on my first week on zoloft. google it. then i stopped it, went to the hospital and while i was there for 6 days they put me back on it, but starting it even lower and slowly working back up to 25. im fine now.im glad i didnt die. lol.
now im in school and im fine. im changing schools so im really happy not to come back to this horrible school next year. i might drop out, if transferring doesnt work out. im excited for that. happy. im a bit too happy right now a little jittery cant stop moving very motivated but thats the zoloft. its great. okay bye

I MET SHONDURAS AND NICHOLAS MEGALIS

if you read my last post, i said i really wanted to meet shonduras and nicholas megalis. that same day i met them!! crazy lol. So i met shaun and nichloas and also emgarber from snapchat. i took pictures with them but on shaun's phone and he said he would send me the pictures but he hasnt :/ its been 3 days lol. whateves i met them! i was in shaun's snapchat story too! fun.

MAJOR update if you care

so major update. i downloaded twitter again, it was a good break and now I am back. i turned off notifcations for celebrities except chris carm, shonduras and jerome. id like to say im not obsessed, but i dont know. when jerome came back to nyc this week i didnt freak out. i expected it. and hes in central park a lot. im going to go find him but im not super stalkerish or obsessive about it. just like to see him. shonduras is also in nyc. really wanna see him. nicholas megalis is also with shonduras, hopefully i can track them down today. i missed nicholas' meetup at barns and noble because i was busy so i really wanna meet him soon. anyway im tired of all this crap. not gonna really try anymore. going to enjoy my day exploring the city, if i find anyone, cool. oh and im not homeless anymore. i moved last week. yay

okay, so update. chris never responded. but...after all that i deleted the twitter app. not my account, just the app. i decided to focus on myself. im not a jerhomie or a chromie. im tabby! i should not put jerome or chris above me. they are no better than me just because they are famous and im a fangirl. no. im not a fangirl. i decided to focus on snapchat also, see if thats turns into a career.

so yeah i messaged chris carm on snapchat after that and we talked there for a while and he gave me some advice on snapchat story making and a career and stuff. decided to take snapchat seriously and chris did watch my story and he dmed me on twitter telling me to save it. which i didnt cause i forgot. but yeah stopped checking twitter now its only snapchat. so i made another story that i worked hard on but chris never watched it, and didnt open my snaps. and yeah i was a little sad but then i kept making stories and he hasnt been watching them so i just kinda got messy with the stories. idk. gonna make a new story soon,

my snapchat name is misstabbycat

he opened my snaps recently but never responded to them, they were old anyway.

i kinda miss jerome but at the same time i dont care.
hes my friend. xD
You dont fangirl or go crazy when you see your best friend? why with a celebrity. they arent any better than yourself or your best friend.


who still reads this? does anyone know i still update this? why do i still update?

update

update: been an hour and no response. either chris is busy or just decided to do that thing where he doesnt respond.

what makes me mad is a long time ago he said, "i see the messages, i just choose not to respond"

so now i feel like every time he doesn't respond i've crossed a boundary or something.
but he usually takes like 2 days to respond
so im just waiting here wondering.
everytime my phone vibrates i think its chris carm. why do u do this too meee lol. i hope he doesnt read my blog although im sure he has better things to do than read this crap

but on the positive side, i wont be homeless anymore..

jerome jarre?

ugh so im gonna write about whats happening right now. in case anyone needs a fix of drama just for fun. idk. enjoy.

yesterday me and lexi went to union square to look for jerome and chris and shonduras because shonduras was in the city and he said he might do a story with chris. so we were hopeful and thought it would be a good day to be in that area. we end up going and its really cold and we see chris carm but the thing is he is going into a building. so we cant run after him cause it looks creepy and stalkerish. i think he was going into his apartment. so we ran away. and the rest of the day all three of them were completly offline twitter. busy day i understand. but the mix of the cold and almost catching chris carm and the inactiveness made us mad. lexi had been trying to contact them the past couple weeks, she went out during jeromes snapchat story to find him (twice) and both times last week she couldnt find him. so she walk searching in the cold for hours, and she never got any responses from them except favs, which made her mad. it would make me mad too. so yeah yesterday.
we were out for hours and it got dark out and as we are giving up she got really pissed and had a little meltdown. it wasnt only jerome. it was everything just got to her and it was more than what i can explain. so yeah serious stuff. i felt bad didnt know what to do. i dmed chris telling him what was happening. hes not really responding except "what happened". and i told him but no response. and then she tweeted that she hated them but she didnt tag them. she was just mad she didnt mean it. she loves them. and these two stupid little french fangirls who call themselves jerhomies starting bashing her and sending her tweet to jerome saying stuff like she is standing up for them but it was none of their buisness. they dont know the situation and they starting sending jerome and chris that she hates them because she didnt see him once. not true at all. she does not hate them. it was everything that shes going through. and their stupiditidy made me MAD so we had a twitter argument and they kept tweeting me in french and it pissed me off so much. they were being so rude. so yeah i dmed chris and told him not to listen to anything they say. and he responded "what did they send" and i just told him. ill keep you updated if i get a response. and this morning i had an anxiety attack! i skipped first period :( there was only 20 min left anyway. i was just crying and freaking out for no reason. it had took me 2 hours to get to school and it was extremly crowded on the train and being close to people like that gave me anxiety i guess? i wanted to cry on the train. i hate the 4 train. then the c train wasnt even going to my stop! i had to go back uptown and then back downtown just to get to school it was so annoying. i was annoyed and angry and all the stress gave me an anxiety attack 2 hours ago. so yeah now im in independent work for 2 periods cant use my phone. they are strict. so ill keep you updated

5 YEARS OF BLOGGING

had this blog since 2010. its 2015 and im 16 years old. i started when i was 10. march 2010. now its feb 2015. wuttt
cant believe i still post here. the look of this site has been the same for the past 5 years. gotta fix it up.

JEROME JARRE

i don't care if people end up judging me for things i post here. its like an online diary. i dont care who reads it. im not ashamed of anything i post here.

jerome jarre is love jerome jarre is life
follow @jeromejarre on everything INCLUDING SNAPCHAT

met bae 5 times
hung out, not only "hi bye!" no its hi and then stares at for an hour from far away then whisper bye baby get home safeley WITHOUT him hearing that ofcourse (no i didnt do that)
i just didnt say anything bc idk what to say so i stared at him and followed him because you cant help but stare at his beauty inside his heart and also out he has the best smile ever hes a CUTIE and also follow him home*cough* no not really but wink wink. IM NOT CRAZY STALKER!
I am a FRIEND NOT FAN
FRIEND NOT FAN

11 year old me

My mother finally decided to give me some more freedom. No, not walking by myself yet, but now she is letting me wear a little make-up to school.

i wanted to walk by myself sooo bad and now i hate it boo hoo. and makeup pffft

 She just recently gave me a make-over. She dyed my hair with golden blonde highlights and she let me buy my own make-up. I can now wear eyeshadow and eyeliner and i can wear lipstick. I used to only be able to wear lipstick, but eyeshadow is my new make-up.

i died my own hair bleached blonde now and i wear literally everything on my face. i barley wear eyeshadow now cause its a lot of work. i just put on foundation powder blush bronzer lipstick and mascara everyday.

 The next step in freedom is walking by myself.

not in the next 2 years

 I knew something was going to happen, change, as i said earlier in this blog. 

this is not what god was excited for. its something you were excited for. god doesn't care about your makeup and freedom. he cares about your happiness and dedication to living while still acknowledging his existence and is able to make sacrifices for him that we wont see actually benefits yourself in the future.

Time is actually going slow again. Wow, the things god can do and they way he shows us he is real. By the way, if you are not Christian, i am, and i believe in god. You don't have to, but i do. I think these things that im writing that is happening in real life is proof god is not fake, but a real spirit in the heavens.

this isn't proof that god is anything. im still a christian, but none of this proves any of it. there is no way to prove god's existence without the power of the holy spirit, AKA opening your mind with the power you give yourself. you cant get the power of the holy spirit if you refuse to accept its existence. atheism is a very ignorant religion (yes, its becoming a religion now) because they don't believe what you can't see. there are things we can't see. its science. we can't see gravity, does it mean its not there? we know it is because it does things, but we still cant see it. god does things. we just dont see him doing it. but he does. 

my thoughts on 10 year old me

My life is hard and easy. My life is fun and boring. My life is happy. My life is life.

of course your life is life its life ya dummy

 I came out of my mothers womb and was infected with ADHD.

you werent infected its not a friggin disease

Thats what happens when you have a child young, because you have a child while you're a child.

no thats not why i had ADHD dummy do ur research

 If I was born later, I wouldn't have this wonderful life I have with my young mom. 

if you were born later you still would have a wonderful life casuse LIFEE IS WONDERFULL

I just hope she doesn't regret the decision of keeping me. She would have had an abortion, but once I developed in the womb, she already loved me so much. 

OF COURSE SHE WOULDN'T regret omg what was i thinking. she wasnt going to have an abortion because my grandmother is against that. she loved me because i was implanted inside her. she had to deal with me somehow.

I am so grateful for my life. No one else has their mom to take care of their baby. My grandmother helps my mom. 

how do u know "no one else" there are probs lot of grandmothers taking care of thier grandchild.

ADHD is attention deficit hyper disorder. I am lucky that its not bad. I can control it, so I always am a little hyper, but it can stop, and I might not always pay attention, but I force my self to stay still. Its hard.

you think u can control it but you really cant. its not even that hard you just have to stop thinking about it and when you notice it just stop. its not hard.

 I never thought I would get older when I was younger, because it would be so long, but time goes faster than you think, and you don't even realize it.

true i wonder if you thought you would ever be 16 years old reading your old posts from 5 years ago. time fliess

I think that I'm a one of a kind, since I understand so many things about adult situations, and especially since I have ADHD. 

stop being so self loathing there are other people who understand that crap. ADHD has nothing to do with understanding adults.

One day, I am going to change so much, but everyday I wonder, when is that day?

that day is now and every day in the future which is tomorrow and the day after and forever and ever changing everyday.

oh and im failing school basically 

????????????

sometimes i think i might have multiple personalites or something. some days im super positive and happy, some im depressed and i want to die, some im just tired and i dont feel like doing anything, some im very philosophical about the universe and the world, and some times im just very productive and i just wanna get things done. its weird and i didnt think about it until now. what do u think?
im not crazy, i think i know whats real and what isnt. i know reality. but what is reality? how do we know what is real and what isnt? because someone told us? halp

i don't want to go to college

i don't want to go to college because im painfully poor.
i don't want to go to college because i don't like to waste my time and money for something i may change my mind about.
I don't want to go to college because i want to live every moment in now and not for the future, because i don't even know when im going to die. if i die now, i will say, "what have i done with my life?" nothing. because i was waiting for a future i might never have.

oh and i got a ps4

update?

been almost a year since updated. am homeless without wifi and i forgot about this and ya hi