fear

i try everyday
to find ways to pass the time
but i forget the other way
to make something of my life

stop trying to be good
to avoid the guilt of being bad
just accept your from the hood
and stop acting so damn sad

im depressed cause i cant fight
this fucking war inside my mind
i put on this fake light
and walk foward even though im blind

clouded vision all the time
its only clear when im on my own
but guess what i worked part time
and going to this class i always postpone

as you guessed it i failed this class
and quit the job before i got fired
i missed too many days to pass
and its a miracle i even got hired

i dont know what to say
sometimes i feel happy and motivated
and then something leads me astray
and i fall into the depression that i myself created

theres no one else to blame but me
but if i had to choose someone i know who it'd be
i allowed myself to be put down by many
but that doesn't make me any less angry
at the people who hurt me

i dont know what to say
i dont know what to think
heres me trying to be deep
and hating everything i write

i hate everything about myself
i hate my appearance
my attitude
my personality
hell i hate myself more than i hate donald trump
and i hate him a fucking lot

ive always tried to supress my dark side
maybe thats the reason why i've always been depressed
i couldnt yell out and curse or blow off steam
because id be afraid
of someone bigger than me
someone stronger me
someone much older than me
someone i just couldnt face
even though
they were family...

in a year, ill be 20
panic attacks? they'll be plenty

i cant think of anything im not afraid of
its fear itself that im made of

dont feel bad for me
im doing this to myself
maybe its some kind of self punishment
so just worry about yourself