Saturday, August 11, 2018

I'm alive~!

Hey, its been a really long time since I've made a real post. The last post was a poem/song, and the last real post about my life was in 2016. I was 17 years old. It feels like another lifetime because of how much I've changed and how much I've forgotten about that time period. I have been connecting more with my childhood now more than ever. I have vivid memories of ages 2-10 years old. They keep popping up in my head and I can almost feel like I am back to that time when I think about it. They aren't all bad memories, some very good memories of music I liked and movies I watched that I've been revisiting lately. I've been re-watching a lot of movies I liked a long time ago and going through my hard drive full of photos and videos that date all the way back to 2011. Listening to music that I used to love, music that isn't even that good and aren't even in the genre of music i listen to now, but the nostalgia is why I listen to it. I've been researching old websites I used to go on to see if they are still up or if they've come back. Fantage is gone. Toontown is gone but I play Toontown Rewritten. 
I've been thinking about going anonymous on the internet, setting up a vpn and using tor to browse the internet, deleting all old profiles and keeping only facebook, twitter and instagram on my phone. But making my PC completely off the grid. I think that would be cool, but I should probably get a separate PC to do that because I'll have to get a different operating system and I wont be able to use it the same as I use my PC now. I'll probably do that with a laptop or something if I can. I just hate the idea that people can easily spy on my activity and there is little to no privacy on the internet. It's not like I plan to do anything harmful, I just think it'd be cool to have a completely off the grid computer. 
So, I have been in college the past 2 years BUT, since Feburary I basically dropped out. I didn't go to my last couple classes, which were in Feburary, I only went to like one class on the last day for the Final exam but I failed it anyway. I was registered in 3 classes and I passed 2 of them! I think. I kinda forgot. I'm pretty sure though. Maybe I passed only one actually. Anywho i passed english 103 so no more english classes! Which I actually am not excited about. English classes were some of my favorite classes because they were the easiest and I had the most fun in them. I love writing. Did you know I dont use shift to use caps lock? I just press caps lock twice and I have since I first started using computers. So all my life. I didn't know about the shift thing until middle school. And by then I was so used to just using caps lock I didn't wanna use shift. I am a very fast typer. Actually, brb, I'm gonna do a typing test.
the highest speed i got was 76 wpm! with little to no errors hehehe
Not as fast as I would have liked but I think that if i know what im writing like from my head then I can type a lot faster, I had to write without looking at the keyboard because I was reading what to write which led to some pauses and stuff.
Okay I'm done writing for tonight, I'm gonna do something. Resident Evil 4 professional is so annoying.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

fear

i try everyday
to find ways to pass the time
but i forget the other way
to make something of my life

stop trying to be good
to avoid the guilt of being bad
just accept your from the hood
and stop acting so damn sad

im depressed cause i cant fight
this fucking war inside my mind
i put on this fake light
and walk foward even though im blind

clouded vision all the time
its only clear when im on my own
but guess what i worked part time
and going to this class i always postpone

as you guessed it i failed this class
and quit the job before i got fired
i missed too many days to pass
and its a miracle i even got hired

i dont know what to say
sometimes i feel happy and motivated
and then something leads me astray
and i fall into the depression that i myself created

theres no one else to blame but me
but if i had to choose someone i know who it'd be
i allowed myself to be put down by many
but that doesn't make me any less angry
at the people who hurt me

i dont know what to say
i dont know what to think
heres me trying to be deep
and hating everything i write

i hate everything about myself
i hate my appearance
my attitude
my personality
hell i hate myself more than i hate donald trump
and i hate him a fucking lot

ive always tried to supress my dark side
maybe thats the reason why i've always been depressed
i couldnt yell out and curse or blow off steam
because id be afraid
of someone bigger than me
someone stronger me
someone much older than me
someone i just couldnt face
even though
they were family...

in a year, ill be 20
panic attacks? they'll be plenty

i cant think of anything im not afraid of
its fear itself that im made of

dont feel bad for me
im doing this to myself
maybe its some kind of self punishment
so just worry about yourself