i might die this year from asthma or something hahahaha

anyone still out there? i love seeing the same old website that i've had for years since the beginning of this blog. I'm never changing it. Oof ive changed a lot again. I tend to come to this site when I'm some of my lowest points in terms of mood or life. I really need to see a therapist again, but for now, you guys are my therapy. Just putting things out in the world is like getting weights off my shoulder, idk if thats the saying but you get it. I recently had the worst couple weeks of my life, probably. I dont remember ever genuinely feeling like my life is about to end, so yeah, its been pretty bad. I cannot beleive i ever was in the mindset where suicide was an option. i was so naive and stupid. now the idea of death scares the shit out of me. and with the pandemic recently and my sudden SEVERE asthma, i do feel closer to death than ever before. I had a few scares recently where i really thought i was dying. It was so traumatic that i now suffer from panic attacks...yes i know ive said in the past that i suffer from them, but i didnt. i just thought i did. i mistook feelings of extreme anxiety for panic attacks because i was not informed on the matter. well, my first panic attack was about 2 weeks ago, and i ended up in the emergency room. Oh! shortly after my last post i became completely dependent on THC. it really helped change my perspective on life in a positive way. but that led me to now...severe asthma...while i was smoking for 2 years i did not experience shortness of breath or trouble breathing. i was just coughing a lot, but it didnt concern me because itd go away so fast. i never had chest pain and i blamed the coughing on having baby lungs. over time the coughing was a lot less to the point where i could take a fat dab and not even cough. But i think doing too many dabs damaged my lungs somehow. i was smoking a gram a week for about 6 months. before that i was smoking a gram of vape cartidges every week for idk a few months? and on top of all that i was  smoking flower, lots of times backwoods over the span of 2 years. it started with just flower. idk there is so much that has happened its too much to write it all out. let me try and shorten it. i started dating this guy (3 1/2 years older than me) and we moved in together with a roomate. they were both stoners, so i smoked with them a lot. everyday. i eventually got hooked and couldnt go a day without smoking. my tolerance kept going up until i couldnt afford to live there and smoke the way i felt i needed. so i moved back home to grandmas and starting smoking vape carts since they didnt smell. i was still smoking flower because id spend every other night at my boyfriends place until he moved back to his mom in late feburary. then corona virus happened. so i was home all the time, and by this time i had switched to concentrate because of my high tolerance and the vape carts making me cough too much. the dabs didnt hurt as much at the carts. and well, i painted some shelves in my room which is poorly ventilated, didnt think anything of it because ive painted in my room before with no issues, but this paint smelled very strong. two days later i had this painful heaviness and tightness in my chest. i was still smoking but i cut down a lot in order to not make it worst in case i got pneumonia or something. cutting down made me pretty depressed but the pain in my chest was bad, and smoking only made it worst. before all this i was smoking a cartidge that was making me feel like i was having allergic reactions, it was a bad cartidge i assumed since it smelled bad but me being hopelessly dependent i still finished the whole cart. at the time i thought it was food giving me allerigc reactions but it stopped when i brought a gram of concentrate and started just smoking that. the chest pain went away when i left my room so i blamed the pain for the chest pain. well fast forward to 2 weeks ago i was feeling great going vegan exercising daily and pushing myself to get fit. i was pretty happy, in a good place. and one day after taking a big dab, i couldn't breath properly. my airways felt very very tight, i was wheezing, and it felt different than ever before. instead of freaking out, i was high, so i was calm and i just used my grandmothers asthma pump (i was diagnosed with asthma 10 years ago but never had another asthma attack, it was triggered from a respiratory infection) i felt better after using it. so i just blamed it on it being too big of a hit (even though ive taken hits like that multiple times in one day and wouldn't even COUGH but okay). went to sleep after that. woke up the next day feeling back to normal. i was spooked so i waited a lot longer than usual to take my first puff of the day. about 5 hours into the day i decided i wanted to smoke. so i did. and i was fine. but i kept going. later that night, i took a puff that made me feel the same way again, used the asthma pump and was wheezing all night, even after using the pump. i started to freak out. my memory of that weekend is hazy, but i remember deciding to cut down and just drink alcohol for the night. when i got tipsy, i decided because my chest didnt hurt and i felt fine, to smoke. and guess what. yep. labored breathing. it was a lot worst. used the pump which didnt help. decided ok, this is bad, i have to take a break from smoking cause i thought i had the corona virus or some other infection. so i did. the next day was the first full day in a very long time that i did not smoke. i actually havent smoked since then, its been almost 3 weeks. i got so so much worst. to this day, right now, my chest is tight and heavy, luckily im not coughing but i was up all night last night coughing like crazy.anyway back to that first day. i was feeling really depressed because i just wanted to get high. i didnt like being sober. i took a few sips of mikes hard lemonade and almost immediately had that same feeling smoking gave me. i definitely freaked out. i stopped immediately and just spent the rest of the night having a total mental breakdown, feeling like i was ready to die soon. asthma pump did help with the coughing. next day it got worst. i mean, everyday it got worst, but this was the first emergency room visit. it was the evening and i hadnt drank any alcohol or smoked any weed or anything. and i really felt like i couldnt breathe. i felt extremley light headed and i was wheezing and felt faint. i used the asthma pump and it made me feel worst...so i told my grandmother to call 911. i was scared that it could just be me over reacting, but when they came and checked my oxygen saturation, it was 82...they said any lower and id "be in big trouble" and that i had to go to the hospital so they can do chest x ray and give me a asthma treatment blah blah blah. because of covid i was very anxious to be there, and i had to go by myself. they gave me the asthma treatment (albuterol through a nebulizer) in the ambulance and my oxygen went back to 98-99 almost immediately. chest x rays and blood tests all came back normal so they discharged me with an asthma pump. the next day, i was coughing a LOT more and wheezing ALOT worst and overall just couldn't breathe for about 5 hours non stop until i finally decided to use my pump (i was scared of it making me worst). it immediately stopped my coughing, but my chest became super tight and heavy...then i felt like i was dying...all my energy left my body and i was extremely short of breath...my brain was foggy and i could barely speak...that lasted for 2 hours but drinking chicken soup broth literally brought me back to life.  for the next few days i was just going through this horrible cycle of symptoms including - diarreah (extreme) nausea, lots of dizzy spells, coughing, headaches, extreme fatigue and chest pain.
(am now coughing a lot again...still dont know what triggers it...) a few days later my asthma became overhwhelming again and i used my pump reluctantly...and immediately felt like i could not breath. my airways got so tight it felt like my breathing was stopping from how tight my airways were and i thought for sure i was dead. i started hyperventilating trying to breath, went out to my balcony and out there is when i started to feel tingling in my fingers. it scared me, it kept getting worst...2 min later both my arms became completley numb and it hurt a lot. i couldnt move my fingers. eventually my whole body started to go numb, and i remember feeling like i was about to have a seizure because of how hard i was trembling. i really thought i was dead. i started praying. im not even a christian. i dialed 911 and gave the phone to my grandmother. amblulence took a while to come and i thought they werent going to make it because i was ready to pass out. my heart rate wass so high, i felt like i was having a heart attack (it went as high as 170)  long story short - i was fine. i was having a panic attack. and i continued to have lesser versions of that panic attack twice a day a few days after being discharged from the hospital. the numbing feeling was from inhaling too much oxygen or something from hyperventilating, so they gave me a sodium chloride drip and my pottasium was low from not eating much and having diareah, so they gave me pottassium shots. called a doctor later that day and they prescribed me lots of meds for asthma, including a nebulizer and these horrid anxiety pills...i took it once and never again, it made me feel horrible and it didnt calm me down. my heart was hurting a lot for 2 days after that panic attack. every now and then my heart would just start racing and id feel like im dying. for the past few days its been a lot better. im still very much on edge, but everyday gets better. i havent had a panic attack in about 3/4 days i think. my heart is feeling better. it only hurts when i use my nebulizer, which, i had to use a few days ago because i thought i was feeling better and decided to take a few pulls from a joint, and it made me soooo much worst. the nebulizer has saved me from calling 911 3 times already this week. so i just cant smoke anymore. it feels like this is going to be my life now. i have asthma daily, its triggered by soda and most food, and gets really bad at night. i stopped drinking caffine too, because of my anxiety being so bad now. i just miss being a stoner...i want to be calm again...i want to relax...i want to think about happy things...
seeing my doctor on monday, so hopefully i get more answers then as to why i no longer can smoke. i probably did just over do it and now its all catching up to me. i was looking for a psychatrist on Zocdoc since they have video visits, but it makes my heart flutter and i feel very anxious about actually booking an appointment...

I'm alive~!

Hey, its been a really long time since I've made a real post. The last post was a poem/song, and the last real post about my life was in 2016. I was 17 years old. It feels like another lifetime because of how much I've changed and how much I've forgotten about that time period. I have been connecting more with my childhood now more than ever. I have vivid memories of ages 2-10 years old. They keep popping up in my head and I can almost feel like I am back to that time when I think about it. They aren't all bad memories, some very good memories of music I liked and movies I watched that I've been revisiting lately. I've been re-watching a lot of movies I liked a long time ago and going through my hard drive full of photos and videos that date all the way back to 2011. Listening to music that I used to love, music that isn't even that good and aren't even in the genre of music i listen to now, but the nostalgia is why I listen to it. I've been researching old websites I used to go on to see if they are still up or if they've come back. Fantage is gone. Toontown is gone but I play Toontown Rewritten. 

I've been thinking about going anonymous on the internet, setting up a vpn and using tor to browse the internet, deleting all old profiles and keeping only facebook, twitter and instagram on my phone. But making my PC completely off the grid. I think that would be cool, but I should probably get a separate PC to do that because I'll have to get a different operating system and I wont be able to use it the same as I use my PC now. I'll probably do that with a laptop or something if I can. I just hate the idea that people can easily spy on my activity and there is little to no privacy on the internet. It's not like I plan to do anything harmful, I just think it'd be cool to have a completely off the grid computer. 

So, I have been in college the past 2 years BUT, since Feburary I basically dropped out. I didn't go to my last couple classes, which were in Feburary, I only went to like one class on the last day for the Final exam but I failed it anyway. I was registered in 3 classes and I passed 2 of them! I think. I kinda forgot. I'm pretty sure though. Maybe I passed only one actually. Anywho i passed english 103 so no more english classes! Which I actually am not excited about. English classes were some of my favorite classes because they were the easiest and I had the most fun in them. I love writing. Did you know I dont use shift to use caps lock? I just press caps lock twice and I have since I first started using computers. So all my life. I didn't know about the shift thing until middle school. And by then I was so used to just using caps lock I didn't wanna use shift. I am a very fast typer. Actually, brb, I'm gonna do a typing test.

the highest speed i got was 76 wpm! with little to no errors hehehe

Not as fast as I would have liked but I think that if i know what im writing like from my head then I can type a lot faster, I had to write without looking at the keyboard because I was reading what to write which led to some pauses and stuff.

Okay I'm done writing for tonight, I'm gonna do something. Resident Evil 4 professional is so annoying.

fear

i try everyday
to find ways to pass the time
but i forget the other way
to make something of my life

stop trying to be good
to avoid the guilt of being bad
just accept your from the hood
and stop acting so damn sad

im depressed cause i cant fight
this fucking war inside my mind
i put on this fake light
and walk foward even though im blind

clouded vision all the time
its only clear when im on my own
but guess what i worked part time
and going to this class i always postpone

as you guessed it i failed this class
and quit the job before i got fired
i missed too many days to pass
and its a miracle i even got hired

i dont know what to say
sometimes i feel happy and motivated
and then something leads me astray
and i fall into the depression that i myself created

theres no one else to blame but me
but if i had to choose someone i know who it'd be
i allowed myself to be put down by many
but that doesn't make me any less angry
at the people who hurt me

i dont know what to say
i dont know what to think
heres me trying to be deep
and hating everything i write

i hate everything about myself
i hate my appearance
my attitude
my personality
hell i hate myself more than i hate donald trump
and i hate him a fucking lot

ive always tried to supress my dark side
maybe thats the reason why i've always been depressed
i couldnt yell out and curse or blow off steam
because id be afraid
of someone bigger than me
someone stronger me
someone much older than me
someone i just couldnt face
even though
they were family...

in a year, ill be 20
panic attacks? they'll be plenty

i cant think of anything im not afraid of
its fear itself that im made of

dont feel bad for me
im doing this to myself
maybe its some kind of self punishment
so just worry about yourself

shadows, fibromialgia, bipolar, and class of 2016(?)

So I haven't updated this site in a few months, almost a year maybe. other than the last post, which i wrote a week ago but i just published it. 
so i missed a whole week of school last week, had extreme menstrual cramps to the point where i almost passed out. it lasted 3 days and on friday i was ready to go to school. i left my house and waited for the elevator and it was taking a long time and i felt as time passed i had more and more aniety about i dont know what. i was shaking and my hands were sweating and i felt extremely irritated and uncomfortable. i suddenly saw someone next to me like i saw their shoes and pants but it was all black and shadowy. i looked and no one was there so i said nope and went back inside. i had anxiety attack and layed on my sofa to try and calm down. i kept feeling like someone was behind me and i continued to see shadows at the corner of my eye all morning and i just felt an evil presence. i kept jerking around and i was very nervous. it wasnt cool at all. so i didn't go to school. i took a nap on my sofa when i put my headphones on. 
for a while ive been thinking i might be bipolar and i was misdiagnosed with adhd. i dont know. i told my therapist and she doesnt think i am depsite all the symptoms i gave her. i forgot to tell my psychiatrist about that, but im over it now. my mom mentioned i might have fibromialgia and i googled the symptoms and i have every.single.one. it would explain everything. i would like to be diagnosed with it because then i can get treatment instead of just being on my stupid anti-depressants that don't work anymore. i feel there is so much more that needs to be treated than just anxiety. oh and theres a question mark next to 2016 because im not sure if im graduating. i mean i am very hopeful and i think i am but my school doesnt. im also failing everything right now so i need to get on that but i cant because i cant concentrate. i guess ill just figure it out soon but i need to see a doctor and a neurologist asap.

trying to overcome my anxiety during class.

 I'm having anxiety because I have work in front of me that I cannot do. Now, doing it is not an option because when I try to concentrate on it I start shaking and getting angry. I rather take a million writing classes than one math class. I cannot comprehend math. It requires my mind to do more concentrating that I am currently capable of. It could be my medication that is keeping me from concentrating, it could be me but I don't think its me because I feel like I am doing everything in my power to try and help myself but I just have to do this and it is very simple just read it and follow the directions on the paper and do- what is it i even have to do? I have to have a topic and then some kind of problem and write an essay about it and geometry fits in their somewhere, that is all I am getting from reading the instructions and I've read them 100 times and I dont know what it is asking me. How is my topic used to solve geometry problems, so how does parallel lines and angles used to solve geometry problems or how is it used in real world applications. So how does parallel lines and angles used in the real world. they are used for architecture i think. I am not even sure how they use that for architecutre exactly. ok, what are parallel lines. parallel lines are two lines that go in the same direction and dont intersect. angles are those little corners of stuff. I don't know how to describe angles. they have degrees. i can only think of it visually not verbally. ok. so then how is that used for architecture. and how do i write a whole essay about it. architecture is way more complicated than just lines and agles. maybe i should use a different real world problem. i cannot think of anything that can use this. I don't know any of the other topics so this is the only topic i can use. so examples...no clue. i hate this sicenrely. I dont want to do this, but I have to do this because if i dont then i wont graduate.

i spent a week in the loony bin

i dont really care who reads this. i dont care if it might be personal. i dont care. this is my online diary, no i dont put all my personal stuff, you wouldn't know if you dont know me, this is where i put stuff out to the world and see if anyone wants to give me advice or if someone just wants to follow the life of a depressed 16 year old girl.

i had the worst week of my life, last week.
I was suicidal and i was sent to the hospital. i spent 6 DAYS in the hospital. i thought i was never going to get out. i didnt know when I could leave, they told me when i was leaving the day before i left. so i spent everyday wondering if im ever going to have freedom again. it is prison. i experienced prison. they didnt let me have anything and there was nothing to do all day. there were other teens and i made friends towards the end of my stay. but now everytime i go into a hospital i get anxiety, because i feel trapped like im never going to get out which was the feeling i had while in the hospital. i never want to go to a hospital again, but i know i have to. i want to avoid it as much as possible. it has scarred me.
im prescribed on zoloft because they diagnosed me clinically depressed, and i have anxiety. so its been helping a lot but i know i need more than just 25g. i suffered from seratonin syndrome on my first week on zoloft. google it. then i stopped it, went to the hospital and while i was there for 6 days they put me back on it, but starting it even lower and slowly working back up to 25. im fine now.im glad i didnt die. lol.
now im in school and im fine. im changing schools so im really happy not to come back to this horrible school next year. i might drop out, if transferring doesnt work out. im excited for that. happy. im a bit too happy right now a little jittery cant stop moving very motivated but thats the zoloft. its great. okay bye

I MET SHONDURAS AND NICHOLAS MEGALIS

if you read my last post, i said i really wanted to meet shonduras and nicholas megalis. that same day i met them!! crazy lol. So i met shaun and nichloas and also emgarber from snapchat. i took pictures with them but on shaun's phone and he said he would send me the pictures but he hasnt :/ its been 3 days lol. whateves i met them! i was in shaun's snapchat story too! fun.