NYC MTA SUCKS!!!! + Anxiety

Don't even want me to start on today and yesterday.

Good news first.

Today, I controlled my anxiety attack that was begging when I walked into my second period class at 10:30.

Bad news.

Yesterday, the train was really crowded. I was in that crowded train.
When I got out the train, I had an anxiety attack.
Now tell me this isn't an anxiety attack:
Sweating
Shaking
Feeling like I wanted to cry.
Trying not to freak out.
Not being able to breathe, tight chest.
Shaky voice.
Extreme exhaustion.

That has to be an anxiety attack.
Today, I was at the station for almost 3 hours.
I got to school at 10:30
I left to go at 7:40
I got on the 4 train, no problem.
When it got to 42nd street, they said "There is a passenger at Spring Street that need medical attention. All the downtown 4, 5 and 6 trains are running with extensive delays. Please use alternate train or bus service."
I got off at 42nd.
Then they said, "There is NO power from 42nd to Brooklyn Bridge on the Downtown 4, 5 or 6 tracks."
So I called my mom who told me to go to take the uptown 6 train. 
Uptown had extensive delays (I was at the uptown station for an hour)
 I didn't know how I was going to get to school.
I jumped on a 4 train, planning on going to 51st street.
It was on the local track.
But I didn't know that it was running express.
It said, "Next stop, 59th"
So I decided to stop there and call my mom.
I got off and it wasn't 59th, but 51st.
I walked to take the E train.
Got on the wrong train, I got on the uptown instead of downtown.
I was all the way in 23rd street.
I took the Manhattan-bound E train back downtown.
Waited a while to get to Spring Street.
When it was getting close, the train got slower.
Then it finally stopped a my stop.
I got out, ran to school, and the doors were locked.
I waited a while for them to open the door for me.
I ran up 5 flights of stairs.
When I got to my second period class, it was 10:30.
I could not talk when the teacher asked for my late pass.
I couldn't breathe.
I tried to say that no one was downstairs, and he just said okay.
I got my gear (Piano)
and continued.
I had a hard time calming down.
I was sweating, could not breathe.
I thought I was going to faint
Or freak out.
But I didn't.
You know why?
Cause it was piano class.
Piano calms me.
So I felt better.
I need a piano around me everyday -.-
There is my story for today.

Help

What am I going to do now?

I don't want to seem like a crazy person.
I don't want to seem like a loner.
I don't want to seem like I am over emotional or an attention whore.

Can't do anything without seeming like one of those.
If I tell someone, I'm trying to get attention.
If I cry or go crazy in public, I'll be crazy.
If I go alone in the bathroom to cry, I'll be a loner.

I don't see anything but the downsides in this situation.
Why do I have to have this?
And I didn't have this before high school.
It's recent.
I started feeling this last month.
I can't wait to see my doctor, maybe she will recommend something that will help me, and not another "It's normal".

I pray.
I need help.
I need to see someone....but idk who.
I told a few people who I hang with that I have anxiety, and now I'm even more quiet than I was in middle school.
I guess I just can't take bigger schools or crowded trains.
Help, please comment if you are reading this.
Tips.
Please.

Fashion Confusion. Who am I?

In 8th grade, I liked the emo style. I always wore dark eyeliner, and days that I was able to not wear uniform, I wore dark clothes. I teased my hair, did the beadhead look, whatever.
I really liked being the unique one in Tainos. Since nobody there is unique -.-

I still like the emo style. But since my high school has no uniform, its harder to try to dress my style everyday. I dont have a whole wardrobe of emo looking clothes I can wear everyday. And now, I've been more into trends. But I see my self drifting into the mainstream world. I need to STOP MYSELF!
I CANNOT BE MAINSTREAM!
I hate mainstream -.-
Yet I'm letting my style leak into it.
I recently went shopping.
Started getting more edgy stuff.
Got a new leather jacket :D
Skeleton Hat :D
Betsy Johnson book bag :D
But I continue to buy casual clothes too.
Recently, I have been trying to be more edgy, like wearing the dark eyeliner look that I LOVE again.

And next time I go to the salon, I'm getting that EmO/ScEnE haircut that I've been wanting for ages.
Maybe after that I'll start getting back into the non-mainstream world.
My taste in music certainly will never change.
Never mainstream.
Can't stand mainstream music.
I like music that nobody knows about and that sounds like ART.

Swim - Oh No Ono
ARCADE FIRE! <3 p="p">Slightly rock, I like techno, I love Indie/Alternative.

So Yeah xD

YOUTUBE!

I'M BACK ON YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY LAPTOP WORKS AGAIN!
MORE SIMS 3 MACHINIMAS!
WORKING ON TWO THIS WEEK!
WILL BE UPLOADED TOMORROW!

youtube.com/electacutedsims


SUBSCRIBE!
I only have 7 subscribers :/
Yet around 50 videos.

Update. Reason. Explanation. ADHD. Anxiety.

I haven't wrote in a while.
Not even in my diary.


I found out exactly what ADHD is.
I now notice how much I still really have it.
It gets worst as I get older :(

Since school started, I noticed it getting worst, more uncontrollable now.
Sometimes I feel extremely depressed.
Sometimes I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.
Sometimes, or ALL the time, I can't stop moving, or I can't sit still.

I learned that ADHD isn't just an attention disorder.
Or a hyper dysfunction.
People with ADHD, mostly kids-teens, are very fidgety, unattentive.
I got my quietness from it.
When I was little, I was always being picked on for being annoying, or talking to much.
So I stopped talking.
Since 6th grade, I have been the quiet one.
And it worked.
But recently, I have been even more fidgety, shaky, than normal.
I have also developed anxiety.
From the stress of school or something.
Over the summer, I would go to sleep at around 6:00 in the morning.
Everyday.
Then I woke up at around 5PM.
I could not sleep at night.
Eventually I got back on my sleeping pattern, but last night I could not sleep.
I had 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

So I guess this explains my awkwardness, quietness, and weirdness.
ADHD and Anxiety.
Awesome.
I have a disorder :/
Yet ADHD kids are proven to not do well in school.
In elementary I did HORRIBLE in school.
But ever since I started 6th grade...ALL 90's! and B+'s!
I hated math, but last year I passed the math regents and I love math now :)
So that goes to show that I don't have a severe case of ADHD.

Sorry I have been typing a lot lately.
Writing cures my boredness.
That's another thing.
I get bored ALL THE TIME!
It really sucks.

i am really tired. so tired.
ugh.

....What...is...wrong...with...me...Help?

ADHD is more than just attention deficit...hyper dysfunction...isn't it?
Please tell me everything.
I definitely have more than just a hyper problem and attention deficit.
I don't know...but I am different than other people.
People can stand still...I can't really.
People can listen easily...I cant.
People can not move for a long time...I can not.
I am also constantly sick. I have a fever today...just that I am really really hot...yet I'm shivering.

Also, my sugars low. I'm shaking alot.
What...the...heck
Is wrong with me.
At least I'm noticing it.
And at least I got into a good highschool...I do well in school so that's progress.
Ugh....

GHETONESS! BORDEM! CONTACTS! GTP! MAC! RAIMI! UPDATES LIKE CRAZY!

I...do...not...like...my...neighborhood.
At...all...
People who went to my old school and know me...I think you already know this.
But I noticed I have never explained it in my blog before.
I am now.
Where I live...oh my god...I absolutely HATE IT!!!!!!!
Can I not go places alone without being stared down and without girls talking behind my back?
Can I not walk through 125th street without a deal happening right in my face?
Can I not hang without my friends without people being scared of us?
Can I not be peaecful without a crack head harassing me?
Can I not HAVE A FREAKIN PEACEFUL NIGHT WITHOUT THE FREAKIN BLASTING MUSIC AND GUNSHOT AND YELLING AND COP CARS AND AMBULANCE SIRENS AND ALL THAT CRAP?
Can I??
No.
That's why I need to get out. The story I wrote is actually about Harlem :)
I really think Wagner and Harlem are the most dangerous places in Manhattan. I really do think it...I don't see stuff like shootouts and gang raids happening daily in other places? I bet some people have not even seen a gang before! The first time I saw one was when I was 5. It was a huge one...and there were a bunch of gangs...it was like a war in front of my house/building. I watched it from my window. It ended in gunshots:(
Every loud argument here...or almost every...end in gunshots.
I don't look like I'm from harlem? Too bad. Unfortuantly I developed sort of a stubborn attitude being there...or like some sort of ghetto attitude and I HATE ghettoness I'm sorry...but really its over done.
Sorry Darren, Derek, and all those people from GTP who were my friends and were Ghetto. Oh, and Amanda. Pretty much everyone. Don't take it personal, K?
Well I'm in literary Magazine...I finished my story...so I'm writing here. If anyone still checks back on my blog please comment on my story...to help me fix anything? Because I pretty much finished the story. I know it isn't the best :(
Bored.
Nothing to do.
Can't wait till 3:20
I have someone's homecoming to go to.
And some makeup to buy. Mac concealer YAY :D
I love makeup :)
Oh, and I do not like Raimi anymore...lol I am still his friend though :)
There are...*clears throut* other people....in my school ;)
Raimi you know this I told you lol

I hate my glasses.
I need to get my new pack of contacts. Now.
Or new glasses.
I'd rather get contacts. They are awesome! When I had them, people can actually ntoice eyemakeup...and I could watch 3D movies without a problem.
Did you read all of this?
LOLOLOL
You really just wasted your time on reading this?