anyone still out there? i love seeing the same old website that i've had for years since the beginning of this blog. I'm never changing it. Oof ive changed a lot again. I tend to come to this site when I'm some of my lowest points in terms of mood or life. I really need to see a therapist again, but for now, you guys are my therapy. Just putting things out in the world is like getting weights off my shoulder, idk if thats the saying but you get it. I recently had the worst couple weeks of my life, probably. I dont remember ever genuinely feeling like my life is about to end, so yeah, its been pretty bad. I cannot beleive i ever was in the mindset where suicide was an option. i was so naive and stupid. now the idea of death scares the shit out of me. and with the pandemic recently and my sudden SEVERE asthma, i do feel closer to death than ever before. I had a few scares recently where i really thought i was dying. It was so traumatic that i now suffer from panic attacks...yes i know ive said in the past that i suffer from them, but i didnt. i just thought i did. i mistook feelings of extreme anxiety for panic attacks because i was not informed on the matter. well, my first panic attack was about 2 weeks ago, and i ended up in the emergency room. Oh! shortly after my last post i became completely dependent on THC. it really helped change my perspective on life in a positive way. but that led me to now...severe asthma...while i was smoking for 2 years i did not experience shortness of breath or trouble breathing. i was just coughing a lot, but it didnt concern me because itd go away so fast. i never had chest pain and i blamed the coughing on having baby lungs. over time the coughing was a lot less to the point where i could take a fat dab and not even cough. But i think doing too many dabs damaged my lungs somehow. i was smoking a gram a week for about 6 months. before that i was smoking a gram of vape cartidges every week for idk a few months? and on top of all that i was smoking flower, lots of times backwoods over the span of 2 years. it started with just flower. idk there is so much that has happened its too much to write it all out. let me try and shorten it. i started dating this guy (3 1/2 years older than me) and we moved in together with a roomate. they were both stoners, so i smoked with them a lot. everyday. i eventually got hooked and couldnt go a day without smoking. my tolerance kept going up until i couldnt afford to live there and smoke the way i felt i needed. so i moved back home to grandmas and starting smoking vape carts since they didnt smell. i was still smoking flower because id spend every other night at my boyfriends place until he moved back to his mom in late feburary. then corona virus happened. so i was home all the time, and by this time i had switched to concentrate because of my high tolerance and the vape carts making me cough too much. the dabs didnt hurt as much at the carts. and well, i painted some shelves in my room which is poorly ventilated, didnt think anything of it because ive painted in my room before with no issues, but this paint smelled very strong. two days later i had this painful heaviness and tightness in my chest. i was still smoking but i cut down a lot in order to not make it worst in case i got pneumonia or something. cutting down made me pretty depressed but the pain in my chest was bad, and smoking only made it worst. before all this i was smoking a cartidge that was making me feel like i was having allergic reactions, it was a bad cartidge i assumed since it smelled bad but me being hopelessly dependent i still finished the whole cart. at the time i thought it was food giving me allerigc reactions but it stopped when i brought a gram of concentrate and started just smoking that. the chest pain went away when i left my room so i blamed the pain for the chest pain. well fast forward to 2 weeks ago i was feeling great going vegan exercising daily and pushing myself to get fit. i was pretty happy, in a good place. and one day after taking a big dab, i couldn't breath properly. my airways felt very very tight, i was wheezing, and it felt different than ever before. instead of freaking out, i was high, so i was calm and i just used my grandmothers asthma pump (i was diagnosed with asthma 10 years ago but never had another asthma attack, it was triggered from a respiratory infection) i felt better after using it. so i just blamed it on it being too big of a hit (even though ive taken hits like that multiple times in one day and wouldn't even COUGH but okay). went to sleep after that. woke up the next day feeling back to normal. i was spooked so i waited a lot longer than usual to take my first puff of the day. about 5 hours into the day i decided i wanted to smoke. so i did. and i was fine. but i kept going. later that night, i took a puff that made me feel the same way again, used the asthma pump and was wheezing all night, even after using the pump. i started to freak out. my memory of that weekend is hazy, but i remember deciding to cut down and just drink alcohol for the night. when i got tipsy, i decided because my chest didnt hurt and i felt fine, to smoke. and guess what. yep. labored breathing. it was a lot worst. used the pump which didnt help. decided ok, this is bad, i have to take a break from smoking cause i thought i had the corona virus or some other infection. so i did. the next day was the first full day in a very long time that i did not smoke. i actually havent smoked since then, its been almost 3 weeks. i got so so much worst. to this day, right now, my chest is tight and heavy, luckily im not coughing but i was up all night last night coughing like crazy.anyway back to that first day. i was feeling really depressed because i just wanted to get high. i didnt like being sober. i took a few sips of mikes hard lemonade and almost immediately had that same feeling smoking gave me. i definitely freaked out. i stopped immediately and just spent the rest of the night having a total mental breakdown, feeling like i was ready to die soon. asthma pump did help with the coughing. next day it got worst. i mean, everyday it got worst, but this was the first emergency room visit. it was the evening and i hadnt drank any alcohol or smoked any weed or anything. and i really felt like i couldnt breathe. i felt extremley light headed and i was wheezing and felt faint. i used the asthma pump and it made me feel worst...so i told my grandmother to call 911. i was scared that it could just be me over reacting, but when they came and checked my oxygen saturation, it was 82...they said any lower and id "be in big trouble" and that i had to go to the hospital so they can do chest x ray and give me a asthma treatment blah blah blah. because of covid i was very anxious to be there, and i had to go by myself. they gave me the asthma treatment (albuterol through a nebulizer) in the ambulance and my oxygen went back to 98-99 almost immediately. chest x rays and blood tests all came back normal so they discharged me with an asthma pump. the next day, i was coughing a LOT more and wheezing ALOT worst and overall just couldn't breathe for about 5 hours non stop until i finally decided to use my pump (i was scared of it making me worst). it immediately stopped my coughing, but my chest became super tight and heavy...then i felt like i was dying...all my energy left my body and i was extremely short of breath...my brain was foggy and i could barely speak...that lasted for 2 hours but drinking chicken soup broth literally brought me back to life. for the next few days i was just going through this horrible cycle of symptoms including - diarreah (extreme) nausea, lots of dizzy spells, coughing, headaches, extreme fatigue and chest pain.
(am now coughing a lot again...still dont know what triggers it...) a few days later my asthma became overhwhelming again and i used my pump reluctantly...and immediately felt like i could not breath. my airways got so tight it felt like my breathing was stopping from how tight my airways were and i thought for sure i was dead. i started hyperventilating trying to breath, went out to my balcony and out there is when i started to feel tingling in my fingers. it scared me, it kept getting worst...2 min later both my arms became completley numb and it hurt a lot. i couldnt move my fingers. eventually my whole body started to go numb, and i remember feeling like i was about to have a seizure because of how hard i was trembling. i really thought i was dead. i started praying. im not even a christian. i dialed 911 and gave the phone to my grandmother. amblulence took a while to come and i thought they werent going to make it because i was ready to pass out. my heart rate wass so high, i felt like i was having a heart attack (it went as high as 170) long story short - i was fine. i was having a panic attack. and i continued to have lesser versions of that panic attack twice a day a few days after being discharged from the hospital. the numbing feeling was from inhaling too much oxygen or something from hyperventilating, so they gave me a sodium chloride drip and my pottasium was low from not eating much and having diareah, so they gave me pottassium shots. called a doctor later that day and they prescribed me lots of meds for asthma, including a nebulizer and these horrid anxiety pills...i took it once and never again, it made me feel horrible and it didnt calm me down. my heart was hurting a lot for 2 days after that panic attack. every now and then my heart would just start racing and id feel like im dying. for the past few days its been a lot better. im still very much on edge, but everyday gets better. i havent had a panic attack in about 3/4 days i think. my heart is feeling better. it only hurts when i use my nebulizer, which, i had to use a few days ago because i thought i was feeling better and decided to take a few pulls from a joint, and it made me soooo much worst. the nebulizer has saved me from calling 911 3 times already this week. so i just cant smoke anymore. it feels like this is going to be my life now. i have asthma daily, its triggered by soda and most food, and gets really bad at night. i stopped drinking caffine too, because of my anxiety being so bad now. i just miss being a stoner...i want to be calm again...i want to relax...i want to think about happy things...
seeing my doctor on monday, so hopefully i get more answers then as to why i no longer can smoke. i probably did just over do it and now its all catching up to me. i was looking for a psychatrist on Zocdoc since they have video visits, but it makes my heart flutter and i feel very anxious about actually booking an appointment...
(am now coughing a lot again...still dont know what triggers it...) a few days later my asthma became overhwhelming again and i used my pump reluctantly...and immediately felt like i could not breath. my airways got so tight it felt like my breathing was stopping from how tight my airways were and i thought for sure i was dead. i started hyperventilating trying to breath, went out to my balcony and out there is when i started to feel tingling in my fingers. it scared me, it kept getting worst...2 min later both my arms became completley numb and it hurt a lot. i couldnt move my fingers. eventually my whole body started to go numb, and i remember feeling like i was about to have a seizure because of how hard i was trembling. i really thought i was dead. i started praying. im not even a christian. i dialed 911 and gave the phone to my grandmother. amblulence took a while to come and i thought they werent going to make it because i was ready to pass out. my heart rate wass so high, i felt like i was having a heart attack (it went as high as 170) long story short - i was fine. i was having a panic attack. and i continued to have lesser versions of that panic attack twice a day a few days after being discharged from the hospital. the numbing feeling was from inhaling too much oxygen or something from hyperventilating, so they gave me a sodium chloride drip and my pottasium was low from not eating much and having diareah, so they gave me pottassium shots. called a doctor later that day and they prescribed me lots of meds for asthma, including a nebulizer and these horrid anxiety pills...i took it once and never again, it made me feel horrible and it didnt calm me down. my heart was hurting a lot for 2 days after that panic attack. every now and then my heart would just start racing and id feel like im dying. for the past few days its been a lot better. im still very much on edge, but everyday gets better. i havent had a panic attack in about 3/4 days i think. my heart is feeling better. it only hurts when i use my nebulizer, which, i had to use a few days ago because i thought i was feeling better and decided to take a few pulls from a joint, and it made me soooo much worst. the nebulizer has saved me from calling 911 3 times already this week. so i just cant smoke anymore. it feels like this is going to be my life now. i have asthma daily, its triggered by soda and most food, and gets really bad at night. i stopped drinking caffine too, because of my anxiety being so bad now. i just miss being a stoner...i want to be calm again...i want to relax...i want to think about happy things...
seeing my doctor on monday, so hopefully i get more answers then as to why i no longer can smoke. i probably did just over do it and now its all catching up to me. i was looking for a psychatrist on Zocdoc since they have video visits, but it makes my heart flutter and i feel very anxious about actually booking an appointment...
